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FEELING RESTLESS

20/02/2021

Dear diary,

I was always aware of the Lord’s tangible presence and I carried it with me everywhere I went but recently, that has stopped.

I tried not to overthink this and tried to live a ‘normal’ life. I tried to believe what the Christians around me taught theologically – that I’ve got everything since I received a new life in Christ but I couldn’t find peace in that teaching because if I’ve got everything, why am I not seeing everything? In fact, why does it feel like some sort of distance has settled between me and the Lord?

Yes, I am even well-known now for being a Christian and I have been at a number of events, speaking, praying, and still it feels as if the Lord watches from a distance. Where is that intimacy I once shared with Him? Where daily I walked in the heart of The Lord, when my dreams were far more vivid and coloured with instructions from The Lord, where I woke up in the morning and was immediately enveloped by His tangible presence until I lay down to sleep again. Where are all these things?

Why do I sense a distance between me and The Lord? When did it start? Why did I choose to live with it? Why did I wait this long to address it?

“I feel restless,” I said to Isimeme. I got up and paced around the house. I had been feeling this way for a few weeks and I couldn’t place a finger on what was causing it. I had things to do yet I couldn’t concentrate. I had friends I could call but I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I kept pacing. I ate. I watched a movie. I took a walk. I sighed deeply. I scrolled through my phone. I sat at the computer. I got up. I paced again.

“I FEEL RESTLESS!” I was practically shouting, this time. I wanted to tear off my skin – it was as irritating as a wet, prickly, sweater and I felt as if I needed to take it off so whatever was bubbling underneath can come out. I looked for something to distract me. A book, yes, a book. Books have always had this ability to pull me into another world.

I picked up a book but after reading the first two pages, my mind began to drift. It wasn’t helping and I still felt restless. I dropped the book and began to look for another one – maybe a novel. Francine Rivers. Yes, she knows how to write stories that transport you into another realm and makes you feel closer to God.

I took in this new thought distractedly. Was that it? Was I feeling restless because I was aware of the distance between me and The Lord? Was I also trying to make myself feel better for a while by reading a book about Him instead of facing Him and addressing what was wrong? Kind of like a person who is hungry filling themselves up with fast food instead of taking the longer route of preparing actual food and eating it in their home?

The thought slipped away as something else grabbed my attention – a book I hadn’t read in years. It wasn’t fiction and it told a true life story of a 54-year old wealthy Muslim woman who had found her way to Christ after He suddenly began to appear in her dreams. Hmmm. I was about to look away but my eyes drifted back to the book. I picked it up.

I dared to call him Father by Bilquis Sheikh.

Three months ago, I had actually felt a pull to read this book and had taken it up to my room. At that time, we did not know the air conditioner in our room was leaking water and I’d put it on the floor by the bed, only to wake up to the pages wet with water.

“Don’t worry, it’s fine. We’ll just put it out in the sun to dry,” Isimeme tried to console me. He took the book and put it out in the sun and we completely forgot about it until the next morning. It had rained all night and the book was now drenched, the pages sticking together and the ink looking like it might run. I cried this time, blaming my husband for trying to help me.

Eventually, the book dried and I put it away and forgot about it but now, I saw my fingers picking up this rain dried book and flipping it open. I lay down with it and began to read.

Day after day, I have read through this book like a thirsty person who has been given a glass of cold water. It’s not that I haven’t read this book in the past – it’s that for the first time, I am seeing things I’d never seen before and it’s tying with something I believe Holy Spirit has began to teach me.

A few weeks earlier, I watched a YouTube video of Francis Chan and in it, he was speaking of how today’s Christians pick and choose what to follow in scripture. He also spoke of his determination to not try and water down anything Jesus Christ has said but to take Him at every word He has spoken and to obey all He has commanded. As I began to read Bilquis Sheikh’s book, I connected the dots.

I had started speaking more loosely and I stopped guarding my heart, watching and listening to anything. I saw nothing wrong in mapping out my own way and executing my own will and desires, I found it easier to disobey Father and I didn’t think twice about it because I know He loves me. I had stopped asking Him what He thought about things. I told white lies and shook off the guilt. “No one is perfect,” I will say to my heart in consolation. I stopped spending as much time in prayer or in the Word. I busied myself in activities, finding validation in the busyness of my life and not once pausing to ask Father what He’d rather I be doing.

I put down the book and wondered: when did I become this person? How did I allow the applause of people deceive me into thinking I still had intimacy with God? His glory had lifted a while ago and I had still continued with my life, ignoring it. The fact that I continued doing every day life without His physical presence that I’ve always known shows just how far I drifted from Truth.

Jesus, help me to stay consistent. Help me to fix my eyes on you. Reign me in. May the cares of this world and day to day living not cause me to slip away. May my hunger and passion be for you & you alone.

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27 thoughts on “FEELING RESTLESS”

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  6. Ezennaya Divine Ijeoma Success

    HE is my first love and now I see how HE is merciful to bring me here. For about four months I’ve been so distant from HIM 💔💔😭😭 but I’m not giving up. GOD bless you for being real

  7. I’ve read this entry before. I’m reading it again and I’m just understanding what God was trying to say. Thank you Ezinne

  8. Idris Oluwalonimi_P

    I am in my office reading this now…
    Ha…..
    I can’t even express my gratitude with words..
    Oh my God, take me to the place of reality.

  9. 😔😔😔He led me to your blog and the content am reading are what’s going on in my life right now. I feel incomplete and I HV been sad and restless for weeks thinking of how to align and live in His presence. I just want my love to find me,it’s so bad am so scared of even hearing from him,how did I get here, how did this space come between me and my love 😔

  10. 😔😔😔He led me to your blog and the content am reading are what’s going on in my life right now. I feel incomplete and I HV been sad and restless for weeks thinking of how to align and live in His presence. I just want my love to find me,it’s so bad am so scared of even hearing from him,how did I get here, how did this space come between me and my love 😔

  11. That transparency with yourself is so important. You are doing so great, Ezinne. Everyday I find things that I could’ve done better and right before I start beating myself up about it, I hear a whisper “Now you know. So go and be better.”

  12. Wow..
    This is so nice ma.
    I can relate to this, I feel so restless.
    I’m not happy that I’m not spending that much time with Jesus, sometimes I say this aloud, ‘I miss those days when I’d wake up and feel your presence, I can still remember that wonderful morning…’

    Wow
    Thank you so much ma for sharing.

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