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Dear diary,

Last day of the month, first day of a long weekend – I went to see my friend, we talked and it was great.

I’m currently on my way to a worship meeting. I had seen the flier somewhere on the internet and immediately knew I wanted to attend. I’ve been kind of distant for a year or two now, one of my many reasons being that I want to be able come into a gathering quietly, worship, listen, learn and leave unnoticed. It’s getting harder to fly under the radar when I go out these days and my inclination is to shy away from the spotlight but alas, some things are not to be.

I’m thinking back to the days when I was at almost every worship and prayer event happening in Lagos – literally. I hopped in buses, walking long distances sometimes, arriving early to get a good seat and staying for hours in an atmosphere created to glorify God. I cannot deny that those experiences did something significant in me because being led by and following the promptings of the Holy Spirit came more naturally and obedience was easy.

I do miss those days and there’s a tendency for me to exult them in my heart, wanting to go back but one thing The Lord is teaching me is that the past can be an enemy of the future – clinging on to those days, refusing to let go, wanting to recreate them, instead of pressing on to what awaits me and allowing myself step into what can be possible.

I have a tendency to look at the past and to wonder whether my passion for God wasn’t more intense then and longing for those days again but The Lord turns my eyes forward again and again saying, “you cannot even begin to imagine, the weight of glory that awaits. Your past days were tinted with the experience of my presence but there is maturity you have attained through the trials you have faced that is preparing you to carry even more oil.”

I’m dipping my toes back into the water tentatively, wondering how today will go. We will see. I remember something I posted on my instagram in August 2021 and that still rings true especially in this moment:

“I am in a good place. I am hopeful, even, that all the twists and turns of my life have led me exactly where I need to be. I am not behind in life, I am not missing out on anything, I haven’t made irredeemable mistakes, the past seasons of my life are not more glorious because I was standing on a stage. Here, now, where it is silent, I still see the kingdom come and I am joyful in the midst of it all.”

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13 thoughts on “LOOKING AT THE PAST”

  1. Almost everytime I read this diary, it speaks to me in the season I am in. I’m so sure I’m on of the persons on God’s mind each time He prompts you to write.
    The post you refered to in your last paragraph, I have it screenshot and I read it often, it speaks to me even now.
    Truly, we should think on the past with gratitude, while looking forward to the greater that God hold for our future in every aspect of our lives.

    Welcome back here Ezinne.
    There are no coincidences or set backs with God. You’re right in time!

    Love you❤

  2. My Past mistakes are not irredeemable. That’s what I’ve been saying to myself for the past week now. I’ve been through it all. I tell myself, it can still get better. I am not irredeemable!!!
    Seeing your post here is has given me the right most poetic vocabulary to use each time I may want to go back thinking my past was better.
    Thank you

  3. “All the twists and turns of my life have led me exactly where I need to be.”

    I could not not leave a comment on this one.

    I’m at a point in my life where there’s this tendency to think that I shouldn’t be where I am. I guess it’s what happens when your mates are a year ahead of you, and it still looks like they’ll move to another level and you’ll remain where you are.
    I’m constantly reminding myself that where I am now is the best place for me. Now, not later.

    I’m super grateful that I read this article now. That you wrote this and posted it.

    Thank you, Ezinne Zara. God bless you for saying yes!

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